The heart of a sinner

I don't understand how a lot of things work. Especially grace. I work at McDonald's and when someone comes in and orders food there is always a second part to the transaction, they have to pay. Everything we have learned growing up tells us that we have to give something to get something. Grace is quite the opposite. In fact, it is contrary to everything we have ever heard. Grace is given with no strings attached. That is what makes accepting it so hard. We fall and keep ourselves down because we feel there is nothing to pick us back up. It is a feeling of giving Grace back, but God doesn't give and take grace like it was a game of catch.

I heard an analogy once about grace being an elevator. once you are on the elevator and you have pushed the up button, then the elevator is going up. It doesn't matter if you fall down in the elevator. It is still going up. That is what is so amazing about grace. you cant get rid of it. It is hard to comprehend .

I have tried to liken it to my life. I, and i think most of us, spend our lives putting callouses on our hearts and God has spent his time removing those callouses when we ask. Jeff Foxworthy was telling a joke one night, he said, "I don't understand how jello works. once jello is jello it can't go back to a liquid." He said a lady came up to him after and said, "It will go back to a liquid if you put it in the microwave." "How do you acquire this knowledge?" A bunch of ladies sitting around at a jello party. " "If you think this is good cold, Wait until you put it in the Microwave."

This is a funny but true example of the power of Grace. You can never do something that God cannot undo. Bebo Norman sings a song about God being the God of second chances. I think that's a little off. Not only is He the God of second chances, but third, and fourth. In fact, I have ruined God's perfect plan for my life hundreds, maybe even thousands of times and He still has a perfect plan for my life.

This brings me to how God reveals Grace. I find it interesting that God has the gift of grace extended to us at all times. All we have to do is reach for it, but sometimes we don't see it when it is right in front of our faces. God will use whatever means necessary to cleanse us and show us that we are his original masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 says that "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works."

I was working at Nosoca Pines Ranch in the summer of 2004. I had a cabin of junior campers all precocious and ready for trouble. One in particular stood out. His name was Chris. He was a bigger camper, taller than most of the other campers. Throughout the week he had gotten excited about the activities and had become extremely involved with the other kids, but he hadn't mentioned much about the programs or an interest in Christ. He loved football and would always want to talk to me about the Carolina Panthers. In fact the topic of most his conversation were about football. His wardrobe was an ode to the Panther organization and players. He would quote stats with a friend of his while at the lunch table. I caught on to these conversations and decided to have a little fun. We had pitchers of water in the center of the table and I decided to see if this kid could drink the entire pitcher of water without stopping. I bet him a brand new football if he could. He instantly accepted and before I could say go he had half of the pitcher down. I was amazed. He drank and drank. I could see him start to become uncomfortable with the massive amount of water expanding his already full stomach, but he was not going to give up. He drank and drank until the very last drop of water entered his. It entered his almost as quickly as it exited. He began to vomit uncontrollably as he ran across the cafeteria with me in short pursuit. He ran into the bathroom and made a quick mess on the floor and one of the stalls. By the time he reached a toilet, the contents of his stomach had finished their violent exodus. He lay there proud and tired in the filth and grim that used to be his lunch and asked, "do I get the football?"

I shoved the fear of losing my job aside and said, "of course you do man."

On my day off I traveled to town and promptly forgot about the football in the haze of the day. I returned and remembered the promise I had made. I went to Chris and told him, "man, I forgot your football in town. I am so sorry." I felt awful and filled with guilt. I told him I would buy him any item in the camp store that he desired. I had forgotten about the horse saddles we had for sale with a lofty price tag of $300-$500. I took him to the store and prayed he didn't buy one. I began to talk to the girl working the counter while he browsed. After a while he returned to the counter and placed his item for purchase in front of the clerk. My eyes instantly welled up. Chris had searched the store high and low and decided that the only item he really wanted more than any toy or saddle, was a Bible. An expensive Bible to boot but I could care less about the price tag. I was so filled with joy that it didn't matter.

I don't know if I made an impression on Chris or if it was one of the programs or another counselor. All I know is that Chris had made a decision at camp. He had accepted Grace.

God will use whatever situation He can to change someone. He will use whoever He can to make a difference, even a stupid camp counselor with no thought beyond his own amusement.

Big City Life

Stereo systems are taken for granted. I have a stereo system and when I am feeling down I can always pop in a CD or throw on an mp3 and listen to the melodic tunes of Jack Johnson or Mettafix. It changes my mood and helps me cope.

I guess life is full of coping. Especially here in America. We have everything and yet we have nothing. Our lives are filled with so many pleasures and yet we seem very unhappy. I believe the saying, "idle hands are of the devil". I see it in my own life all the time. I feel like I have nothing and I am poor but I still have huge blessing that are overlooked.


I have a skateboard. That may seem trivial but if I sell that board I could feed a child overseas for a year (at least according to the commercials). That is mind blowing. I am not sure I believe that. I used to send money to this kid in Zimbabwe with the floor of my dorm. Each time we got a picture of the kid he had more and more. He was wearing these sweet Nike shoes once and I thought, "jeez, the next picture we get of this kid he will have an ipod and soon he will be sponsoring me to go to school."

"What you need to do is be thankful for the life you got... Stop looking at what you ain't got and start being thankful for what you do got... Unhappy with your riches cause you're piss poor morally."- T. I.

The Colorado Kid

I have recently returned to Colorado to live with my parents for a few weeks and pay off some loans. Today my father asked me to work with him instead of golfing. He wanted me to work on Sunday because it was the only time he was around to give me instruction. I agreed and we went to work. He gave me a list of things to do and then promptly left to the nursery to pick up some plants. He was gone all day. Interesting.

So anyways, I worked in the yard and it felt good to be back. My dad finally come back and bet me $75 that he could lose more weight than me in three weeks. I instantly agreed and I know I am going to win this money. I hope he doesn't weigh himself with like lead in his stomach or something. He has been known to cheat on diets. I am not really looking to diet as much as I am trying to eat healthier. The first meal my mother made for me when I got back was macaroni and cheese. Not ideal.

So I grabbed a drink out of the fridge and my nephew wanted some of it but he wouldn't ask me nicely so I said no and he threw a fit. He cried and cried and then came back after he had gathered his composure and asked for the drink nicely. I had no desire to give it to him but I did anyways and now I feel like a pushover.

Well, I will leave you with this, I went over and saw an old friend and she has a kid now but she is single and extremely gorgeous. She brought up our childhood and how me and my friends would push her down and make fun of her. I denied it (though it may be true even though I didn't have many friends growing up). I didn't know what else to say. Her daughter then punched my nephew in the eye and I told her she had to lock her baby up and they couldn't play with us anymore. My nephew cried and then ate flan. Good day.

Life sure has a lot of twists and turns. Roads followed and abandoned. People always ask me what I am going to do with my life and I often don't know what to tell them. I have loose plans on what I want and where I want to be but, I can't get too attached to these ideas because they may not become reality. I guess it is a way of buffering myself from disappointment. I erect this wall of security all too often.

I have heard that the only way to get what you really want in life is to break through that wall of security and free yourself from your own withholding. I have yet to experience this on any real level. I am sure I have gone after things that have been relatively easy or simple (not talking about women here) but even then I am not really free from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

I guess what I am driving at is that I have reached a pivotal point in my life. I am on the crux of something big. I have to start making decisions that are going to better my life and not hinder it. I have to break that wall for good. And I want that with all my heart.

I want you all to have the same desires. I want you to go out and break your wall of security. There is a song by Switchfoot in which they say, "this is your life, are you who you want to be?" It is such a great line and it is something I have to ask myself every day now, this is my life, am I who I want to be?

Paperclip

Paper clips annoy me. Once you bend a paperclip, you can never get it back to its original shape. I have an oral fixation and have to have a paperclip or toothpick in my mouth when I am at work. I end up bending my paperclip and then I am just livid that I can't get it back into shape. Especially when it's the last paperclip. Then you have those little boxes that have a hole in the too with a magnet and you fill the box with paperclips and they stick to the magnet. I always try to bury the misshapen paperclip at the bottom of the box but it inevitably finds its way to the top.

I like chewing on the coated paperclips. They have a little plastic cover and you can pull the cover off. I don't know what to do with it once I pull it off. I try to put it back on the paperclip but that is like fishing a tennis ball through a straw because when they cut the paperclip from the long metal piece, it made the ends just a little rugged and sharp.

The point of this is simple. I don't know why I don't just throw the paperclip and its casing away. I guess I feel guilty throwing something away when it belongs to the company I work for. If the cleaning lady found my trashcan full of misshapen paperclips and chewed up sheaths she may get the wrong idea. I don't know what idea she may think but I know it won't be good. She could tell my boss and he will make me pay for my oral fixation and that will get around the office. Embarrassing. Or she could think that I am using them to clean parts of my body.

I would rather just hid the evidence in the little box.

My air mattress

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to find myself trapped and sinking in whirling pool of sand! And as I tried to swim my way out of this disastrous situation I began to realize that I was still in bed. I wasn't sinking! My air mattress had just procured a hole over night and decided to deflate mid-sleep.

I am adding this to the list of hardships that has come my way in the past few weeks. Whats more, I can't find the hole so the mattress has to be blown up again like every half hour. Its like having to feed a newborn through the middle of the night!

That should be mandatory for sex ed in schools. All students are required to purchase an air mattress and poke a tiny hole in it. Then they have to sleep on it and refill it every 30 minutes. "This is what you get when you have sex before marriage!"

Just another brick

I have been saying "dog" like it was going out of style. I can't help it though. I am not really sure why but it just comes spewing out of my mouth like vomit at an after party. It seems almost involuntary. This becomes less and less noticeable to me as the days go by. I don't even know I am saying it. It has become habitual.

Our lives certainly lend themselves to a habitual nature. Some of us are stronger than others but few of us have the strength to fight off habits. I have heard that you should practice making your life full of positive habits. I beg to differ. When good things in your life become habits they tend to lose their meaning.

Scenario: You are walking along a brick road. This road is long and boring. It passes through middle of the desert. It is hot and you are thirsty. The road is made of red bricks packed tightly together. Definitely the work of a professional. You walk along this road for hours upon hours. You finally come to a brick that is bright blue, like the sky. You notice this brick because it is different from all the rest. There is nothing special about the red bricks because they are all the same but this blue brick seems so brilliant and unflawed even though it doesn't fit. The brick is misshaped and doesn't fit the slot intended for it. You stop to look at the brick in wonder if even for a short time before you continue on. You finally reach your destination: home. Your family gathers around and asks you about your journey. Not much to report really except you saw this one brick on the road that was different from all the rest. "It was vibrant and colorful" you say. "All I could think about was that brick the rest of my journey." "Why is that?" your family asks. "Because I couldn't help but think that I am a red brick. I fall into the same routine every day and follow the crowd. I fit the mold perfectly. I am just a piece in the path with nothing that stands out. I don't want to be a red brick anymore. I want to be a blue brick. I want people to remember me on their journey. I want people to know that I am different and I don't fit the mold perfectly. I am a little awkward and a little different but I am perfect. I am not a creature of habit but a habitual creature. I will make it a habit to be different."

The joys of the office

I sit right across from the bathroom and I am surprised at the amount of bathroom breaks are taken in a day. My office is also the storage room. All of our samples are in here and people are in and out all day long looking for various things.

But back to the bathroom. Not only are there a lot of bathroom breaks taken, but during those bathroom breaks I am surprised at what I hear. For instance, a coworker of mine goes to the bathroom every morning and just lets em rip. I am talking real nasty and loud. There is just no shame in his bowl movements. I have to listen to the whole disgusting process which usually has me laughing pretty hard by the end because he tries these subtle little coughs to "cover the sound" but it just makes it worse. The amount of air freshener that our office goes through is shocking.

This other girl that works just down the hall from me has a tendency to worship the porcelain goddess at least once a week. I don't know if she get food poisoning every week or what the deal but I can tell you this, she walks in, throws up, washes her hands, and walks back to her desk as if nothing happened. I don't think she is bulimic due to the regularity of it (and she is no skinny minnie) but there is definitely something wrong there.

Another coworker works just down the hall as well. She goes to the bathroom like eight times a day! How does that much junk fit inside her? I mean she is in there every hour on the hour. And when she is done she sprays that air freshener for a good ten seconds!

Needless to say, I use the restroom when I go home for lunch.

When life hands you lemons

This morning I was driving to work and happened to rear end somebody. I am not going to lie and say it wasn't my fault but I will say for sure that I am not happy with the other driver. This experience came with the worst timing. I have been having a troubling few months. I just started a new job that I am not very good at, I have struck out with the ladies, I am broke, and now I get into a car accident. On top of it I am having these splitting headaches. Just the icing on the... the straw that broke the.... the last.... There are so many cliches that I could use here but I am not sure how it could get any worse.

So this evening I was praying that God would provide a way out. I need to get a new job and get some money and a car. I was talking to my mom about all these issues and praying at the same time I was praying that God would show me a sign. Mid phone call I received another phone call. It was from a guy that wanted to purchase my surfboard. I believe it was God helping me get some cash. Then my friend Tony called and said I could use his car for as long as I want. Two of my biggest concerns were handled for me. I guess all things do work out when you lean on God.

So cliches are there for a reason.

When life hands you lemons, make grape juice, sit back, and let the world wonder how you did it.

This is livin

I just recently moved to California. I am purely judging this on first impressions but.... I love it here. I am so excited that I am able to start a new life in a new location. I never thought that I would be living here. Cali has such a weird feeling to it. It is as if no one cares that you are here. They all just drive recklessly and with no regard for life. It's awesome. They all seem so unhappy but they have everything they want.

Today I woke up from a long sleep. I stayed up past midnight watching Arrested Development. Great show by the way. I went into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. I looked at my P90x menu and it called for a mushroom omelet. 6 egg whites! that's a ton. I had the best breakfast. But as soon as I started making it, all of my family began sniffing their way into the kitchen like hounds on a fox. They saw what I was cooking and began to ask where thiers was. I had to make omelets for everyone of them. I got lazy on the last two so they turned out to be egg scramblers. Not ideal.

I weighed myself and I am 230 pounds. Depression set in until my dad asked if I wanted to go for a bike ride. I immediately said yes so we went on a 7 mile ride. I feel a little better. Before and after pics are a must. A little embarasing modeling for my mother but a necessity none the less. I will do P90x tonight. I am just doing the cardio portion until Sunday. I start weight lifting then.